Much of the time -- despite the claims of industries, like entertainment and politics, who benefit from insisting the contrary -- I don't believe there's such a yawning chasm between the way men and women think. Sure, the production of different quantities of hormones is bound to translate into varying group behavioral patterns; but for the most part, if you show a nice sunset to a man and to a woman, both are pretty much bound to think, "hey, nice sunset." Both would enjoy a scoop of ice cream. Both would be disappointed not to be rewarded for hard work. The friends I know who are most capable of yakking on the phone for hours are actually dudes. Behind the eyes, people often are just people.
The obvious and most visible differences, however, appear when sexuality is involved (of course). And it is here that I do believe there are vast differences between the way men and women think.
For example, if a guy is walking down the street and a woman cranes her neck around to take a better look at him, he'd likely be flattered. Perhaps this is why men think it's okay to do the same to women. And although it's quite likely that the behavior isn't really conscious enough to have thought it through that far, I would still like to take the opportunity to announce to all the men in Western society, from my own personal blog-soapbox, that this is NOT ACCEPTABLE.
Okay? Please. Stop doing it. It's not flattering; it's not unnoticeable. Even if it's unconscious, show some self-awareness and just stop it.
The thing is, from the moment girl-children grow to a sufficient height to be possibly mistaken for women from a distance, we are evaluated and watched by every man who drives, walks, or bicycles by. It occurs regardless of attractiveness, age, race, or any discernable attribute beyond your identification as "female." They can't possibly get a good enough look at you to gauge whether you're actually attractive or not; they just see a non-male-looking outline on the side of the road, and crane their necks to get a better look. You could be quite plain and they'd still check you out, just to make sure. So again, it not in the least complimentary or flattering; it is only because you're not a guy.
For those few who clearly do get a good look at you and then stare mindlessly as you pass each other on the sidewalk, it is just as offensive. Being rated "acceptable enough to stare at" by someone whose opinion you didn't ask for -- and, frankly, don't give a rat's ass about -- is not compensation for the indignity of being rated in the first place. It's the attitude I object to: the idea that women, sheerly by virtue of being women, are rightfully subject to physical appraisal by any man who shares their public space. It's like the choice to walk to work is the same thing as agreeing to put yourself on display -- or at least that's how every driver and male pedestrian seems to interpret it.
And I mean it. I'm not exaggerating. I sat down to write this because I just arrived home after deciding to enjoy the weather, reduce my carbon footprint, and get some exercise by walking home from work; but the entire thirty minutes was one long ordeal of watching every single face crane around to stare at me. Their thoughts were as clear as if written in bubbles floating above their heads: "Is she hot?" "Is she hot?" "Is she hot?" "Is she hot?" "Is she..."
The maddening part is that I'm quite sure they don't realize they're doing it. Which makes it feel even more as if they're just mindlessly looking at a thing instead of a person with a name and identity.
And yes, I know, supposedly it's just natural behavior. Males in the wild are programmed to fertilize as many wombs as possible for the survival of the species, thus they're eternally on the lookout for any nearby wombs. But you know what, a big kid pushing over a little one to get his toy is also "natural behavior." We're not in the wild. Being explainable and being acceptable are not the same thing.
So to all the inconsiderate, self-absorbed, oblivious people who ogled me today:
WATCH THE DAMNED ROAD.
4 comments:
It's interesting, the way you (or anyone) can feel so exposed walking down the street, but naked at the spa was fun and relaxing. I've often wondered where the line should be drawn, and I guess it's really a matter of culture. You get ogled in Germany, possibly patted on the butt in southern France, and basically harrassed in Italy -- all seemingly acceptable and common to the local population. You've also mentioned before, the way Europeans will unselfconciously crowd into a train, unconcerned about what body parts end up where, while we Americans bump elbows and feel compelled to excuse ourselves. I guess personal space can be a very fluid thing, even reaching as far as the eye can see. I'm sorry yours was invaded.
Thinking more about it though, it still doesn't excuse the predatory feel of the behavior. hmmmm You really make us think, Nik -- thanks!
What a thoughtful comment! And perfectly summed up, too -- "exposed" is exactly how I feel walking down the street. I suppose if I think about it, the difference could be that being naked at the spa is a choice, where I accept and agree to the exposure in a safe environment. Though you're quite right, culture definitely plays a part. I guess I'm still quite American in some ways, one of which being that I like our custom of *not* staring at each other. Although perhaps it could also be argued that that makes us more aloof toward each other, too. Hmmm... you guys make me think, too! Now where's our chocolate and red wine??
:-)
Yes -- defintely plenty of good dark chocolate and red wine required for this one! We miss you!! lots of hugs......
Maybe there are a lot of bored and lonely people out there who are looking for "Mr/Mrs Right" to turn their current life around? Everyone seems to be looking for something!!
Maybe (as Jerry Seinfeld once said) 95% of the population is "undateable!" So when we see someone who might be in the top 5%, we can't believe it, and have to stare... because... it's so RARE! Yup..."it's a lepper colony down there!"
Maybe guys play an unconscious mental game called "will I see a pretty girl today?" And then act like kids playing "I spy" from the back seat.
I once saw two girls walking down the sidewalk of a busy street smiling and waving at cars. Becuase they were attractive, they almost caused a dozen pile-ups.
I sadly explained to a group of women once that men are "hard-wired" to glace at, and be facinated by cleavage... good, bad and ugly.... Can't help it... Gotta look!!!!!!!!! AAAghhh!
"Maybe rejection becomes such a consistent way of life for single guys, that they just become desensitized,and thoughtless and just don't care about manners anymore."
Some men are just selfish, disgusting, testosterone poisened, pigs. You aught to hear a locker room when boys try to be like men.
Ah, me.... So many rights to wrong... so many litle kids with broken hearts to heal.. so many injustices and rude behaviors out there... What are ya gonna do?
(Sigh*)
Love you
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