Internetless at the End of Times

I'd like to mention that my Dad is hilarious.

First, a little background:

Right about the middle of November, some cable down the street gave up the ghost and we were (gasp!!) without internet at the apartment for THREE. WHOLE. WEEKS. During this time, our bright and helpful internet provider brightly and helpfully promised to send a technician between the hours of x and y; and time and time again, nobody showed up. When we’d call and demand to know where the guy was this time, they’d brightly and concernedly assure us that, according to the technician, he’d “tried to call, but no one answered the phone.”

This is where the usually sweet-voiced and urbane Bert lay ze Schmack daun with logical, methodical Germanness. He pointed out, in his soft urbane voice, that first, no calls had been made to the home phone number provided during the appointed time. Call records also show that neither have any calls been attempted to any of his other numbers, whether cell phone or work (although all numbers have been confirmed as operative). Secondly, two people had been waiting attentively in the place specified – our apartment, at the correct given address – during the entire arranged time period. Thirdly, the technician’s fulfillment of his duty hinged in no way upon calling, anyway: the agreement was for him to simply show up, not to pretend to make non-existent phone calls as an excuse for running out of time for all of that day’s appointments. This was the second time Arcor’s service had been proven unacceptable, and if the situation was not remedied immediately, Bert would pursue legal recourse to end his contract.

Our connection was back up the following day, with an apology and a credit.

Anyway, as soon as Dad heard we were back online, he wrote the following:

While you were gone:

Cold fusion was harnessed, ending our energy problems.
Global warming has been stopped.
The stock market hit 21,300.
A wonderful Independent-Party woman was elected president of the US.
Aliens landed, taught us a lot of cool stuff, and gave rides.
Both cancer and AIDS were cured.
Jesus came back, visited, and it was really nice. No apocalypse.
World peace has been declared.
We spent a wonderful weekend at the Dells.